


never let me go, never let me go

by lazyfish



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, Light Angst, Post-Episode: s05e12 The Real Deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22154848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazyfish/pseuds/lazyfish
Summary: Jemma still has nightmares of what happened at the bottom of the ocean. Luckily she has someone to help her recover.
Relationships: Leo Fitz/Jemma Simmons
Comments: 11
Kudos: 53





	never let me go, never let me go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Traviosita9124](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Traviosita9124/gifts).



Jemma wakes up with a gasp, and it takes her longer than it should to realize she’s not at the bottom of the ocean. The inky darkness of her bedroom is a fair approximation, though, and that combined with the terrifying nightmare she had just woken from is enough to keep her heart pounding unfairly in her chest. Jemma sits up and places her palm against her sternum, the steady _thudthudthud_ of her own heart serving to ground her. She blinks a few times, her eyes beginning to adjust to the darkness. She can make out the opposite wall of the bedroom, and reminds herself she’s not in the pod. She hasn’t been in the pod for years, but it keeps coming back.

Sometimes she wonders if it will ever stop haunting her dreams. Of everything that’s happened to her since, all the traumas and horrors and deaths, this seems to be the one she can’t escape. Jemma takes another shuddering breath, and slowly her heart rate slides back into something resembling normalcy.

“Jemma? Are you alright?”

She closes her eyes, swallowing hard. “Yes, Fitz. I’m fine.” She had hoped he wouldn’t wake up. “Just a bad dream.”

Her husband doesn’t believe her, though. Of course he doesn’t. Fitz props himself up, leaning against her. His weight is warm and reassuring against her side, and Jemma sags into him, resting her head against his shoulder. His arm slides around her waist, and Jemma blinks back tears.

“Talk to me, Jem.” He kisses her hair, all softness and concern, and Jemma can’t hold back the tears anymore. It seems unfair to complain about what had happened to her at the bottom of the ocean, not after what he had done - specifically what he had done for her. But, she supposes, that’s exactly the point. What he had done at the bottom of the ocean had almost taken her best friend from her. What he had done at the bottom of the ocean had almost taken her _soulmate_ from her, before she had even fully realized he was her soulmate. What would’ve become of her life if things had ended differently? If he hadn’t woken up?

She can’t talk to him, not yet. Instead she turns her head into his shoulder more fully, her tears staining the shoulder of the soft cotton shirt he had fallen asleep in. Fitz’s fingers trail through her hair, his arm still anchoring her to the present moment. It keeps her from sliding back into the dream, and Jemma’s thankful for that.

“I…” Jemma’s breath shakes. “Do you think a lot about what happened after we found out Ward was HYDRA?” She can’t even say it properly. They’ve mostly skirted around talking about what happened at the bottom of the ocean, for good reason. Their relationship hasn’t been easy, but what happened in the pod was the first shaky step - and the first step is always the hardest. Jemma wants to believe that’s another piece of the puzzle, of why this is such a scar on her psyche, but her emotions are too fragmented for her to say that for sure. It’s like trying to see herself in a broken mirror. She thinks she can make out the picture, but it might also be something else entirely.

“...I do,” Fitz answers. “Do you?”

Jemma nods.

“I don’t regret what I did, Jemma.”

“I know.” She sniffs. “That’s what’s so awful about it.”

“Explain?”

“Do you know how scary it is to know the person you’d die for is also someone who’d die for you?” Jemma blurts. It’s _terrifying_ , to know the person she’d take a bullet for is also the person who would jump in front of the gun. It’s terrifying, and it’s also unfair, because it means if they ever find themselves in a similar situation - and they _will_ , Jemma knows, because that’s just their life - Jemma may lose her husband again. 

“I do,” Fitz answers. He slips his thumb under the hem of her night shirt, rubbing circles into the skin on her side. “I know what you’d do for me, Jem. And what I’d do for you.”

“Would you leave S.H.I.E.L.D.?” she asks. The question comes out of nowhere, flowing from her brain to her mouth before she can stop it.

“Yes.” He doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t seem to think before he speaks. 

“Now?”

This one takes longer for him to answer, and Jemma’s almost glad of it. She doesn’t know if she wants to leave S.H.I.E.L.D. now, either. She does know, though, that they’re going to leave someday. They can’t live like this forever. Not when they want to have a family, a life, a career that doesn’t involve falling out of planes and sinking to the bottom of the ocean (among other things).

“If you wanted,” Fitz finally says. The words hang heavy in the air between them, like a gauntlet being thrown down.

“You would leave S.H.I.E.L.D. because I had a nightmare?”

“I would leave because you asked,” Fitz corrects. “It’s my fault you’re having nightmares -”

“It’s Ward’s fault,” Jemma interrupts. “He’s the one who put us in that - that impossible situation. I’ll never regret that you tried to save us, Fitz. Only that we needed saving in the first place.” Fitz has been saving her every since. He has to know that. And yes, watching him be willing to die for her has left its mark, but it’s not his _fault_.

“Jemma…” Fitz sighs. “I’m still sorry that it hurt you.”

“So am I,” she whispers, so quiet she doesn’t even know if he hears her.

Her husband kisses her head again, and the silence that washes over them isn’t suffocating. It doesn’t remind her of innocence loss, of confusion and desperation and saltwater suffering. It reminds her instead of what else she can drown in - in love, in happiness, in peace. Someday, she will have that life. Someday, she will wake up and realize it’s been years since she dreamed of the pod.

Someday will come sooner rather than later, Jemma thinks, so long as Fitz never lets her go.


End file.
